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Super Secret Agent Spy

I am a writer. And a doodler. And an eater of Twizzlers. And the mother of MuShu, the wonder puppy. I love long walks on the beach, fast cars, fine din. . .whoops. Wrong website. . ....

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Toys in Babyland. . .

(I don’t know where I was headed when I started typing this. Probably down a funnier road. But I’m exhausted now and can’t bear to make anymore edits. It’s probably because. . .well, I just had too much to say on the subject. So, you’re getting little, mildly incoherent glimpses of what went on in my brain today. . .when I visited a land very foreign to me. . .)

No one told me. . .that it would be. . .like. . .THIS.

I was standing there, surrounded by an absolute nightmare. . .

I was in a place that I didn’t want to be. . .that I NEVER wanted to be.

It was as if I’d landed on the moon. . .

It was as if I were in a world full of Lilliputians and I. . .was a cycloptic giantess.

I was. . .

IN BABIES “R” US.

When I said it would be “fun” to go along and help my sister register for her pending bundle of joy, I was telling the truth. I mean, how hard could it be? Sure, I don’t particularly like children, I am hideously uncomfortable around pregnant women and I know absolutely nothing about diaper rash, anything called “butt-paste” or what a baby-swaddler is. . .I KNOW NOTHING about babies, except that they are small, fragile and need a lot of attention. . .so why would I volunteer to put myself through something like that?

I’ll tell you why.  It’s because no matter how many times my cynical nature tries to trap, kill and skin  my optimistic hopes (and effectively nail her hide to a barn door), she always rises up, perky and sweet as ever. She “shushes” the cynical side (because she would never say “shut up.”) and says that life is a ball, a party, a treat!

And right now, while my cynical side seethes against my inner Pollyanna, right now. . .I wanna choke Pollyanna, too.

I JUST SPENT TWO HOURS IN A STORE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT BABIES.

And let me tell ya something, ladies: We “R” in the wrong business. I see money to be made, hand over fist. It has become increasingly clear to me, that the business of selling useless crap to mother’s to be is THE way to put our economy back on track. One would think that a woman (me) who thinks that $1,100 is a FAIR price for a pair of shoes (I can’t have them. . .but I think the price is fair.), wouldn’t get sticker shock in ANY store. . .but I did.

I DID.

Now, maybe lots of the mommies out there just can’t relate to the shock my non-reproductive mind entered into when I saw a treasure trove of things that we never had as a child...such as:

A PACI-WASHER:  There actually exists, a little device that washes JUST the pacifiers. Yes. A little plastic box with slices in it here and there. . .for washing pacifiers. When did the paci become such an important article as to have it’s own WASHING DEVICE. I can think of a million things that deserve such an honor. . .like. . .like a sock washing/drying device. You put your socks on these little feet, clamp them into the “sock washer” and POOF! The socks are washed and dried instantly and without fear of loss to the dryer monster (which transports your socks to another dimension.) But seriously, a PACI WASHER??? What happened to a good old rinse under the sink? Or better yet, what happened the a squirt from the soda can and mom just shaking the thing off? A little dirt never hurt. . .it keeps your immune system strong, right?

A VIDEO BABY MONITOR W/ NIGHTVISION FEATURE For those with an extra $180.00 burning a hole in their pocket (and just a wee bit of paranoia), here is the latest in baby vouyer technology! Now, next time little Junior is “acting out” and ripping the eyes off the teddy bear again, you can interupt him and give him a stern talking to! On one hand, I know that it’s every parent’s dream to be able to keep watch on their children ‘round the clock. I know you want them safe. But come ON people! For some reason, the “w/ Night Vision” feature is just the most insulting of all. . .as if they are preying on parents’ fears of . . .of WHAT? Unless you have a child that has special needs (breathing/heart monitors), is this necessary? Better yet, is it HEALTHY? I mean, who sits there, hovering, staring at the baby monitor all night long? (sigh) I guess I can see how it would be a good thing.  .  .it gives you a sense of security since you CAN’T keep your eyes on him/her throughout the day. But. . .well, it just sounds ridiculous to me. 

On the other hand, who am I to judge? I have face wipes, cologne and clothes for my dog. . .who eats out of antique spode china. (shrug) Different strokes.

BEAUTIFUL DESIGNER CRIB-SETS:  I stood, stunned and gasping for air at the shimmering wall of beautiful coverlets, sheets and assorted crib decor that rose before me. There were so many beautiful things.  .   .soft ecrus and sage greens with coffee-colored shadows shaped like twigs and birds; there were brown and pink comforters with accents of cherry blossoms.  .  .stunning. All of it.

For a crib.

For a baby to pee, poop, puke and snot on.

For the low, low price of $179.00. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINE DOLLARS.

ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY NINE DOLLARS BUYS YOU TWO SHEETS, SOME KIND OF BUMPER THINGY AND A COMFORTER NO BIGGER THAN SOME OF MY DRESSES.

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It was in this instant that the registry trip turned “un-fun.” I tried to keep up appearances, smiling for my sister . . .who, like many of us these days, is having to work off of a very, very tight budget. And while she wouldn’t necessarily be the person buying the items she was scanning, she was having to keep in mind the pocket books of those who would be.

As a dyed-in-the-wool consumer, it hurt me that my sister was having to stay “budget minded” in the face of such beautiful things. This pregnancy was not expected. . .and hasn’t happened under ideal circumstances. But the baby is coming and I want my sister to feel the joy. Just because things aren’t following someone else’s idea of “order,” why should she be robbed of getting hyped up and happy that her baby is on the way? Is there some rule that says an unmarried mother has to mope around, accepting whatever she can get? Bullshit. (I almost died when I saw the form that had to be filled out for the registry. It had a space for “maiden name.” I came this close to handing it back to the lady, smiling and saying “Whoops! Wrong form! Can you give me the form for UNWED mothers. . . .you know, so they aren’t made to be VERY self-concious when filling this out. Thank you!”

Anyway. . .I just. . .I suddenly felt very, very bad for my sister. She has always done things a little differently; her own way. And who am I to say that her way is wrong? But I think about the results that some of her choices have garnered her and it makes me sad.

This is the first REAL rite of passage she’s going to experience. . .and it’s . . .THIS??? No proms, no wedding, no parties in her honor.  .  .nope. She skipped all of that and went straight to BABY.

And while I’m not a very maternal person, I was suddenly overcome with a desire to protect her. . . to allow her to feel some sort of luxury.

So. . .I told her to just start scanning whatever she wanted, regardless of the price. Just scan, scan, scan. . .go crazy. Who knows? Someone may just break the piggy bank and actually purchase for you a $150 baby swing. Maybe *I* will. Maybe. . .

I saw it pass across my mother’s eyes.  I wasn’t in trouble with her. Not at all. But she pointed out that there were several of these items on Criagslist, recently . . . and certainly, we needed to check on things like that. But my inner snob rebelled. I just.  .  .I wanted my sister to be free of the constraints of both the situation and financial reality.  And maybe that was a mistake. Maybe it’s unfair of me to make her think that all of these things are within her reach. I dunno. And my mother was right. My sister could probably have most of these things for the price of ONE of the strollers I told her to scan.

You know, until today, I did not know that the mommies of the world needed things like $179.00 sheets, or car seats, day carriers, diaper bags and strollers that ALL MATCH. Honest to God, I didn’t really know the dizzying array of things that were offered even existed.  But my eyes were opened.

And though my sister has been trying to be smart and somewhat frugal about things. . .like accepting some very appreciated and very beautiful “hand me downs” from friends and family, it. . .it just pisses me off that this is how she has to go about her pregnancy.

It pisses me off that she can’t have the nearly two-hundred dollar baby sheets.  .  .even if she wanted them. It pisses me off even MORE that baby-sheets THAT expensive exist in the FIRST god-damn place. It pisses me off that I can’t just go in there and give her carte blanche to get everything her little heart desires for the little heart that’s beating within her belly.

The thing is, I’m surprised at how I feel. See, my sister and I don’t always get along. More than a few angry words have passed between us (usually me SHOUTING at her for some ill-thought out choice), but I realized and/or remembered today that I DO love her dearly. And you want the people you love in your life to be happy. . .to have an easy road. . . for everything to be beautiful.

But that’s not the way the world operates, Pollyanna. And there are people in the world that have it much worse than women who can’t be showered in night-vision- diaper-warmer-paci-washers and 300 count sheets.

See, what that wall of brightly colored, expertly designed sheets, Cadillac strollers, Gracos, Boppies, Pack n’ Play and Carter’s clothes distracts you from is the fact that there are women in my own town who will worry about how to feed their children tonight – it would never enter thier mind to pay for a conglomeration of plastic, metal and pretty fabric to tote the kid around. It will make you disregard the fact that there are women in my own country who will go through a pregnancy without people care who about her as much as my family cares about my sister.  It blinds you to the fact that there are women in this WORLD who will go without pre-natal care and give birth to their children without doctors, clean water or medical instruments.

So, I know it sounds silly. . .me whining that my sister can’t just wave that magic scanner and POOF. . .have every trendy thing that tricky store makes her want.  Yeah. It sounds silly. Because frankly, while she may not get everything she wants (or everything the marketing department at Babies “R” Us tells her she wants), she WILL have everything she actually needs.

Oh. . .and for the record, I made it clear to my sister and everyone we were with: I WILL NEVER CROSS THE THRESHOLD OF THAT STORE AGAIN. I’m sticking to baby-shopping on line.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!